Nightly visit
by amorpsyche
Summary: It was only a matter of time - and not much of it - before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back.'..what if Edward did come back before there was any chance for cliff diving and such?


Twilight and its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer which is good, because if she hadn't come up with them and the story, what would we be reading now?

**Nightly visit**

'It was only a matter of time - and not much of it - before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back.'

(New moon, p. 514)

I closed the door behind me and leaned against it. Then I sighed. Another day over, another day survived. If only I could have brought myself to care much about either. My days were pretty much a waste of time. Sure, I went to school, to work, did everything I was supposed to do around the house and hung out with Jacob, but none of that was something I did because I couldn't think of anything I'd love to do more. No, all those things more or less were my means to pass the time, to get from the dreadful part of the day when I had to get up in the morning and face another twenty-four hours pretending to finally and slowly heal, to the dreadful part of the day when I went to bed, with nothing between me and my nightmares. After all those months with pretty much the same recurring dream one might think that I was by now used to the plot, but I still bolted upright almost every night. At least the screaming wasn't that bad anymore; it didn't happen everytime I had a nightmare and I got it under control fast most of the time, so that Charlie didn't have to come rushing to my room, trying to soothe me.

Not that that had helped much.

I felt bad for my dad. First, he doesn't get to see his daughter for more than a few weeks every year, and then, after she's moved in with him, she's more or less a nutjob. Runs off, throws tantrums, ends up in the hospital, and then starts to slowly transform into a zombie right before his eyes. So I pretended for him. After january, when he'd made it clear that I hadn't fooled him a bit, I'd stepped it up a notch, using all the energy I didn't even have to begin with to make my charade more believable. Judging by the fact that he now hung his gun belt up by the door again, instead of hiding it, just in case I might decided I'd suffered enough, it worked so far. Apparently, the days of my bad acting skills were over. Of course, hanging out with Jacob helped too. He was the perfect distraction my mind needed and had truly become my best friend. My lifeline. The only one to never try to put me back together again with phrases like 'It's been months now, get over it', 'You're only eighteen, life goes on' or 'There's other fish in the sea, grab one of them'. Jacob hadn't tried to revive the old Bella, he'd embraced the new version, letting me be me, crying out of nowhere and holding myself together included. I didn't often make use of the luxury of letting my guards down around him, though. I was pretending with him most of the time, too. If things got too serious, he'd eventually feel the need to superglue my broken pieces together, just like everyone else, and then he wouldn't be the Jacob that was able to take my mind off my current state of life anymore. And I needed him to distract me now more than ever. I wasn't getting better and on top of that, Victoria was somewhere out there. If I allowed myself to think about that, I wouldn't be able to act believable, and all my efforts of the past months would fall together like a card house.

It wasn't so much fear for myself, although I still, after everything and with the pain that never lessened, had no desire to die. I was fearing for Charlie and Jake and everyone that might be around me if she ever got me. As long as it was only about me..I didn't want to die, but then again, what I was doing currently couldn't very well be called living, either.

In a way, it was ironic. James, Laurent, Victoria..three vampires that had wanted me dead, or in Victoria's case still wanted that, preferably including ways of torture I couldn't even imagine, and the one vampire that had wanted nothing more for me than to live was the one that had killed me in a way.

That wasn't fair, though. Edward, I could meanwhile think his name every now and then although I preferred to be alone when I did it just in case that well put together mask slipped off my face, had left me because he didn't want me anymore. That was well within his rights. The fact that I couldn't and would never get over him was my fault, not his. He'd wanted for me to move on, just like he probably had by now. To think about what or who he might be spending his time with now wasn't something I usually allowed myself. It was too painful to imagine the things he was doing, knowing I'd never get to share them with him. Even more painful to think of the nameless, but surely beautiful, and so much more interesting than I was, girl that wasn't an accident-prone klutz with enough bad luck for the northern hemisphere that might now be with him. She would probably be a vampire. Strong, alluring, everything that I was not. Someone that didn't bore him, that he didn't have to be careful with all the time, holding himself back...

With another sigh, I changed into my clothes for the night. I wouldn't be able to find sleep for a few more hours, but I might as well be comfortable while I waited to become tired enough and in case Charlie stopped by to check on me on his way to bed. My homework was done, I didn't have any desire to read or listen to music and closing my eyes and dream of what might have been was more than I was able to handle, so I just switched off the lights and lay there, trying to think about nothing. The silence of the room was both, disturbing and comforting. Disturbing because there was no distraction in it and comforting because it was safe. As long as it was silent, Victoria wasn't coming for me. I curled myself up into a ball, wishing I had exhausted myself more during the day to make sleep come faster.

Once I heard Charlie coming up the stairs, I closed my eyes and focused on making my breaths deep and even, but he didn't come in tonight. Another sign that I had been good today at making believe. Charlie always was fast asleep within minutes, so it didn't very long to faintly hear his snores drifting down the hallway. I wished I could've been so lucky, just every now and then. To sleep, perchance not to dream..

Suddenly, the silence was disturbed. A noise came from my closed window; it sounded like quiet tapping. For a moment I was paralyzed with fear, the only thought in my mind being 'Victoria'. Then I remembered the fact that a vampire set out to kill me wouldn't politely knock at my window, but just burst through instead and I released the breath I had been holding. It could be only Jacob, really. He'd done that before, when he'd wanted to but couldn't tell me about him being a werewolf. The relief quickly turned into panic. I had told Jake to not do that, to come to my window in the middle of the night, unless it was an emergency, exactly for the reason that I'd probably get a heart attack thinking it was Victoria. What had happened? Was she close? Or even someone else? Another of her friends, like Laurent had been?

The soft tapping continued so I finally turned around again, got up, went over to the window and tried to steel myself before I drew back the drapes.

Then I gasped and held on to the window sill for dear life. On the other side of the glass, holding himself up easily with one arm and looking at me through golden eyes was Edward.

~*~

It took me a long moment to overcome the shock. I just stood there, looking at him, not even blinking. He looked at me too, an expression on his beautiful face that didn't make sense because it looked like he was more than happy to see me. Finally, I got myself together, more or less, and opened the window, stepping aside to let him in. My knees were shaking so bad, I needed to sit down, so I slowly walked backwards to the bed and plopped down on it, hugging my knees to my chest. I wanted so say something, anything, but couldn't find my voice. My mouth opened and closed again while Edward's eyes never left my face.

"Bella.", he breathed, like he was savouring the sound of my name rolling off his tongue.

When I didn't respond, his gaze became anxious.

"Are you alright? Did I scare you?".

I swallowed a few times before trying to speak again.

"I'm--", I finally managed to voice, "I'm surprised to see you.".

"Were you expecting someone?", he asked, crooked smile on his lips, but somehow misery in his eyes.

I nodded, then shook my head.

"Not expecting. But, Victoria--".

"Victoria?", Edward hissed in a low voice. "What about her? Is she here? Has she harmed you in any way?".

"I don't know. All I know is that she wants to kill me as revenge for James' death. Laurent told me that.".

"Laurent? You met Laurent?! What happened?".

"I saw him in the meadow. He was visiting from Denali. He said he sometimes wanders when the restrictions become too hard. He was thirsty.".

Edward's eyes had become wide and he actually needed to sit down now, too. He chose the rocking chair. I waited until he was sitting before I continued.

"He told me Victoria had plans for me and that I should be grateful he found me first. He'd be quicker.".

The only sound coming from the chair was a snarl, before there was a long moment of silence.

"What happened then?", Edward finally pressed out through clenched teeth.

"Before he could do anything to me, he..got scared and ran off.".

"He got _scared_? How is that possible?".

"The wolves scared him away.".

"Wolves.".

"Werewolves. Carlisle knows about them. Weren't you with him back then when he encountered them the first time?".

"Yes, but I thought...you have met werewolves?!"

I nodded. Edward put his head in his hands.

"God. I am an idiot. I thought your life would be better and safe after I removed myself from it. I'm so stupid.".

He didn't say anything more for a while and I tried to comprehend what he had just said. I couldn't. It didn't make any sense. My life, better without him?

Suddenly, his head snapped up again.

"Please, Bella. You have to believe me that I didn't know about any of this. I had no idea. I made Alice promise me not to look for your future. I didn't know. You're probably disgusted with me right now, and I deserve nothing less, but please let me try to earn your forgiveness!".

"My forgiveness?".

"I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for what I left you to deal with. I thought by leaving, I'd make sure your life won't be endangered anymore. And now I find out that I not only left you unprotected of Victoria and Laurent, but also werewolves.".

"I'm not scared of the wolves. My best friend is one of them.".

"Your best friend is a werewolf?".

"Yeah...Jacob Black. You remember him, don't you?".

"The boy from the reservation that came to prom.".

"Exactly.".

"He wasn't a werewolf back then. I would've smelt it.".

"Smelt it? Oh, right. Forget that. Well, he hasn't been a werewolf for long.".

"A young werewolf? Oh my...".

"Jake's alright; there's nothing wrong with werewolves.", I muttered defensively.

"They're very short-tempered, they can't always keep control over themselves. Don't misunderstand me, Bella, I am very grateful that they've rescued you, but just to imagine what could have happened..", he trailed off in horror.

The reality that this wasn't a dream or an illusion, that I was really looking at Edward and talking to him, slowly sat in and so my mind began to work again.

"Edward? Why..don't get me wrong, but why are you here?". I knew what I wanted his reason to be, but that was just too utopic to hope for. Just the fact that I got to see him once more was more than I'd ever thought I would have again.

"I'm here because I'm weak and selfish.".

"I don't understand.".

"I couldn't bear it any longer to be away from you, Bella. To not see you, not talk to you, not being able to touch you. It was too hard, every second of it was agony. I forced myself to endure it, for your sake, for everything that you deserve and that I am not or can't give you, but it became too much. I am weak because I couldn't stay away like I promised you and I'm selfish because I want to be with you, in spite of knowing you could do so much better. Just the thought of someone elses arms around you, someone elses lips on yours is unbearable as long as I have an ounce of hope that you love me.".

"What does that all mean? You left; I --".

"That was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I didn't mean one word that I said to you that day. I left because I believed I owed it to you.".

"You owed me breaking my heart? Why? What did I do to y--". I had been doing so well so far, but now my eyes started to burn with the tears that were threatening to spill over.

"No, Bella, no! I owed you the chance at a normal life. Not one lived on the brink of danger, with someone that can never grow old with you or give you children but that constantly has to focus on not crushing you every time he touches you. It never was about my love for you fading. I have never stopped loving you and I will never stop. If anything, my love for you has grown those agonizing months. When we were in the woods, when I saw that you believed the vicious lies I had told you..I have never before felt such pain.".

"Of course I believed you. You've never lied to me.", I mumbled, looking down.

"And I will never lie to you again.".

He slowly got up from the chair and walked over to where I sat. Then he kneeled down in front of me, so that our faces were on the same level.

"I know I've hurt you, Bella. So much. For all I know, you might not want to have anything to do with me anymore. And I would deserve that. I've lied to you, broke your heart and , as I found out, left you behind unprotected. I am more sorry for all those things than I will ever be able to express. But..please. Please give me a chance to prove myself to you, to make you see and show to you that I truly love you. You are the one I want, the only one I'll ever want. I'm not saying this to be drastic or to influence you, but if I can't be with you, I'm done with love. You have my heart, Bella. It doesn't beat and it's far from being perfect, but it's yours. I don't want it back. I don't expect for us to instantly go back to the way we were before I so stupidly left; I don't expect you to take me back just like that. Just one chance, that's all I'm asking of you. I...I can't live without you, Bella.".

If it had been possible for him, he'd be crying now. I listened, dumbfounded. Was it possible? Was there a chance that Edward loved me, loved me still, as much as I loved him? A possibility that those past months could fade into nothing like a bad and distant memory, that I could wake from this nightmare that was my life without him? He sounded absolutely sincere, honest and serious. But he'd sounded like that in the forest, too. I desperately wanted to believe him, to trust him. He was here, in my room, saying all the things I hadn't dared to hope for.

"Am I too late?", he broke into my silent musings when I hadn't answered him for some time. There was so much pain in his voice that my eyes snapped up to meet his.

"Please tell me, Bella. I'll always want you to be happy more than anything. Even if it means you've found some--".

"There could never be anyone else.", I interrupted quickly.

Sensing the 'but' in my statement, Edward waited.

"But nothing has changed. I'm still the same danger magnet. I'm still plain. I'm still human. I love you more than anything in the world, Edward, nothing will ever change that, but it wasn't enough before. I can't see how it could be enough now.".

"It was enough, Bella. It is. Please give me time and a chance to convince you. I don't care how long it'll take or how hard I will have to fight for us, but I will make you see that you'll never have to doubt my love for you again if you let me.".

The sincerity and truth in his gaze was irresistible, compelling.

"And just so you know: You have never been plain and you never will be.", he added

"I can see you're still biased", I muttered, the tiniest trace of humor in my voice.

"Even if I was the most biased person in the world it wouldn't make it untrue.".

"You're not gonna leave again? I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record, making you say the same things over and over again, but I need to know that for sure. I don't think I'd survive a second time.".

"I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it to be assured. I will never leave you again, Bella. I don't think I'd survive a second time, either. I'm yours for as long as you want me.".

I couldn't help myself anymore. I just had to throw my arms around his neck, hugging him to me as tightly as I could, breathing in the unique scent that was Edward.

"Oh, Bella", he choked back a dry sob, returning the hug and burying his face in my hair.

"I've missed you so much, Edward!", I cried.

"I'm sorry for your pain, my Bella. I cannot possibly make up for it, but I'll never stop trying.".

"Promise me one thing: Never make decisions about us or me again without talking to me first. If we're together, we must also decide together. I know you have more experience of life than I do, but still..talk to me if something bothers you.".

"I will. God, Bella I swear. I will. I love you.".

We stayed like this for the longest time, not saying anything, just feeling each other's embrace. Eventually, my fatigue caught up with me and I yawned.

"You should try to sleep, love. It's the middle of the night, after all.".

"I don't want to.", I said stubbornly.

"I will be here when you wake up, don't doubt it. Unless I have to hide in case your father comes in, but even then I won't be far.".

"But I want to talk to you. What have you been doing while you were gone, for example?".

"We have tomorrow for that, love. And the day after that. And the day after that. I'm not going anywhere.".

I wanted to continue talking to him, but another yawn convinced me that sleep wouldn't be too bad. It felt like all the tension and the weight of the last months had been lifted off me. I didn't have to pretend anymore that I was okay and healing. I was already healing right now, I could feel it. So I climbed under the covers and lay down.

"Hold me?".

"Nothing in the world that I'd rather do.", Edward replied, lying next to me, putting his arms around me.

"Nothing you'd rather do? So you don't want to kiss me then?, I teased.

"I haven't earned that priviledge back yet.".

"Edward, I love you. I want to be with you. You did the wrong thing, but seeing it from your point, with good intentions. I can't promise I'll forget those months anytime soon, but I do forgive you. You don't have to earn back anything. Just keep your promise and the rest will work itself out.".

"I will. I keep asking myself what I have done right to deserve you. Maybe Carlisle is right after all. Maybe we do get some measure of credit for trying. And you're my reward.".

"Still unkissed over here.".

Keeping one arm tightly wrapped around me, Edward tilted my chin up with the fingers of his other hand. My eyes fluttered close as he leaned in and brushed his lips tenderly against mine. The moment our lips touched, everything else vaporized. My fear of Victoria, the feeling of numbness of the past months, the memory of the pain in my heart. I felt at peace and alive. Happy and safe.

When I started to get dizzy, Edward pulled away, only to cradle me against his chest. I knew it would take some time to be fully sure of him again and I could only guess what my dreams would be in the meantime, but I was also sure that time would help and heal us both. And so, for the first time in months, I fell asleep to the sounds of my lullaby, not dreading tomorrow, but looking forward to it.

~end~

Thanks for reading :)


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